Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
