i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
