If i come over, it means nothing
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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