do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
