She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
