i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
