he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize