she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
