Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize