if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
