planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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