I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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