after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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