if you like me you must not know who I am
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
