My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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