A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
