he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
