It was confusing and full of hummus
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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