oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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