someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
