1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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