It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
