You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
