so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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