this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
