I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I need to sanitize my soul.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
