When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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