You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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