Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
