I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
