I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
