My balls are so social today.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
