My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
