It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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