Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
So. Much. Porn.
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