She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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