Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
