never play flip cup with pint glasses
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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