Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
