someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
