He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
