shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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