yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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