I wish my penis had an off switch
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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