the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
