So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
