Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
