Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
