alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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