Don't make out with my wife yet
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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