I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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