its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
