You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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