On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
