btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize