My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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