you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
