when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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