We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
